Giving In, Getting Up And Going On | Jenngem
I've fallen down the rabbit hole again, bumping and bruising myself along the way. Down, down I go, with no end in sight, It gets darker and darker, and I can't seem to grab hold of anything solid. My feelings, like this never-ending portal are non-existent. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

This is the terrifying truth about depression. Some may see it as a dark cloud, hovering over their shoulder, others may see it as a dark and shadowy figure following them around, me, I'm forever falling down.

It's incredibly hard to try and put any real "feeling" into anything, when you can't feel a thing. Sure, I can plaster on a smile, just like the next person can. I can fake it. That's easy. It's the moments when I get home and let go, just let go, and it comes like a wave. The wave takes me down with it and I feel like I'm drowning.

Depression, sadly, isn't just something that you can "shake off." If it were, millions and millions of people would've done it already and been much better for it. The truth is, getting out of a depressive episode is hard work. Very hard work. It's taken up nearly my entire summer to do it.

I've cried nearly everywhere, when I was out with my husband, trying to have a good time, at my in-laws, anywhere you can think of, I was upset. And what did I do about it for a good chunk of the summer? Laid in bed. That's right, ladies and gentleman, I did nothing about it, except for one phone call to my psychiatrist who bumped my medication up.

Trust me, you can feel a depression. I know that is strange, weird and freaky to say, but you can feel a depression. It literally hovers like a weight on top of you. At least, it felt like that for me. My limbs don't want to move. I don't want to move a single inch. I just want to stay where I am, in bed. I felt that was where I was better off, anyway. What kind of mom was I? I felt no good to my child.

The strange thing about depression though, again, at least for me, it sneaks away as stealthily as it comes. Lately, I do not feel as depressed, don't get me wrong, I have my days, however, it feels as though the depression has lifted. I feel more, I don't know the word, more "spirited?" again? More apt to do the things that I didn't want to do before. I'm slowly looking forward to more and more things again, and that is the key. I can't even tell you how long it took me to get into blogging, one of the things I love, again.

This isn't to say that the depression isn't going to come back again, I'm pretty certain that it will, I have Major Depressive Disorder, so I get depression in episodes, and some episodes can be longer than others. But here's to saying goodbye to this episode and resuming life as normal again! 

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