To The Children I Will Never Carry: My Hysterectomy Story | Jenngem
It has been about a week, post-op for me. It was a hellish week. Beginning with crazy abdominal pain that sent me to the emergency room, I was released after being pumped full of Dilaudid. Not my favorite thing to do on a weekend. I was told to go back to the hospital and was admitted this time. Only my pain was not getting better. It was getting worse and worse. It started with 0.5 milligrams of Dilaudid every six hours to 2 milligrams every 3 hours. For reference, that is a lot. 

I had been planning the surgery with my urogynecologist for a little bit. He didn't really want to do it, but he was willing to do anything to help me with my pain. My hospitalist contacted his office to see if they could get him to do it on an emergency case. But he was on vacation. However, I got the number of another urogynecologist, but they were almost two hours away. I gave it a shot and called. 

After some back and forth, this doctor agreed to the operation. He said he could guarantee some pain relief, but not all. I was willing to risk it. It's not like I haven't taken a risk before, hoping to feel better, whether it be medication or the stimulators that I have in my back. I spoke with my husband, our local hospital discharged me, and we were on our way, stopping at home to get some essentials and we headed out. We were on our way to Hackensack University Medical Center. 

I was told to go to the emergency department, from which I would be admitted to the hospital for a hysterectomy. The doctor I spoke to tried to talk me out of it several times. But I was in so much pain. I get it, I'm not even thirty yet. And, even though I know that a hysterectomy does not always cure endometriosis, it certainly can take away the fuel for the fire that makes it grow. 

I entered the emergency department on Thursday, June 13th. I was in surgery on Saturday, June 15th at approximately 1:30PM. It was Father's Day. What a great Father's Day gift, right? Totally take away your husband's ability to ever have any more children with you. But, my God, my husband is amazing. I am forever grateful for him. He slept in a chair next to me just so he could be with me. He never complained, not once. 

He bought me trashy magazines to read to keep my mind occupied, and found two beautiful treasures in the gift shop that I will cherish for always. One is an anchor charm that says "hope." I cried when he gave them to me. My husband, my rock, my one and only love in this life. He has stuck with me through thick and thin, all of these years. He hasn't left my side. 

Coming out of surgery, I was in some pretty bad post-op pain. That, and the fact that the hospital kind of didn't give me all of my normal medications, I became a blubbering mess. I began apologizing over and over again to my husband, telling him how very sorry I was that we could not have any more children. Guilt was eating me up. I had wanted more children, so did he. But ultimately it came down to being able to be there for the child that we were blessed with. The unpredictability of passing out and being laid up and not being able to take care of my child was killing me. It had gone on long enough. 

Our Syrus, he is growing like a weed these days. In less than two months he will turn nine years old. That saying of "don't blink" is true. I'm a believer now. He is such a little gentleman, so polite. So kind to his peers, being a good friend to them. He's even learning to stand up for himself. It is truly amazing to watch your child develop into their own personality. He is so good with his baby cousin. He constantly wants to feed him, even foregoing video game time to do so. He loves that little baby with all his heart, I can tell. He even made a "secret handshake" between him and the baby. 

That warms my heart. It truly does. He may never have a blood-related sibling, but he does have his cousin. My sister and I are so close to each other. We each love our respective nephews and would do anything for them. It is fun to watch her child grow and develop. It brings my husband and me back to when Syrus was a baby. 

We wanted more children, a larger family. It is a little hard to think about. But this hysterectomy was something that I had to do. My husband told me that he wanted ME back. His wife, a wife that can live without the fear of passing out due to the pain. We never knew where, and we never knew when it would happen. 

I've lived with the dull, throbbing pain for 9 years. Coming up on one-week post-op, today is the first day that I can say, and I don't want to jinx it, but I can say that I have zero pelvic pain. Z-E-R-0. It freaks me out a little bit. Did this actually work? I haven't passed out. This is crazy stuff. Will I be able to get off some of the medications that I took for the pain? I'm not getting my hopes too high yet.

But, here's to better days ahead. A life with less pain, a life with my amazing son and incredible husband. I may never have another child of my own again, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it. You never know, down the road there are other options. But for now? I'm going to live life on my terms. I have faith that I will one day be able to drive again. Things are on the up and up. 

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