One Year Post-Op Hysterectomy - My Grief Is Still Real | Jenngem

I remember sitting in the hospital bed, writhing in pure agony. Searing pain coursing through my lower half. As if someone took a hot poker and was drawing it slowly across my insides. I had been admitted to the hospital for something entirely unrelated which was resolved, but my endometriosis was rearing it's ugly head, hard. I was crying. Not just crying, bawling, curled up in bed. I was being given Dilauded every few hours to just try to control the pain. I had no idea what to do. 

One hospitalist had suggested they get a hold of my urogynecologist, who had finally agreed to do a hysterectomy on me in a few weeks time to get him in to do an emergency one. But, he was out of town. So, naturally, I thought that I was out of luck. That I had to wait a couple of weeks. The hospitalist came back and gave me the number of a well-respected doctor down in Hackensack who might've done it. I gave them a call. What could it hurt? 

Long story short, I was taken to Hackensack Meridian Health Center that night, where I was still on pain meds for control. But I was getting what I had asked for, for so so long. A hysterectomy. I always said that I would get one before I turned 30. We (my ex-husband and I) spent a few days in the hospital waiting for the doctors schedule to clear a little bit so he could squeeze me in. 

I'll tell you, even as someone living with the horrific pain of endometriosis, I grappled. HARD. I was 29 years old. I was only ever going to have my one child, my sweet, sweet Syrus Voltaire. I am so extremely blessed to have him. But I'm going to delve into a topic I never really opened up to anyone about. That's infertility that I faced. There had come a time that I had wanted to give Syrus a sibling. But nothing ever came of it. I remember getting excited at certain points when my menses was a day late or so. 

But every time I took a test? Just that one line. That one line of disappointment. Let me tell you when you finally come to the realization that you cannot have any more children, its a bit of a punch to the gut when all you wanted was a family. We never had the money for any procedures or shots. It was what it was. 

I was heavily counseled by the doctor doing my hysterectomy to make absolutely certain that this was what I wanted. Wanted? I'll use that term loosely. Needed? Medically, I couldn't do this pain anymore. There was just no way. I had no quality of life to live with the one child that I did have. I couldn't focus on any future children that may have been, but would likely have not been.

I went to sleep on that operating table with my stomach doing flips and flops. I woke up, and the first thing I realized was that I had gotten my hysterectomy on father's day. What a gift, right? For reference, that had nothing to do with my ex-husband's and my divorce. We get along better this way, and Syrus is much happier. 

But that hysterectomy grief is there. I didn't even know that was a thing until after I had my procedure. At 30 years old, I am in menopause. At 30 years old, my body can never again carry a child. At 30 years old, I can never experience the joy of a life growing inside of me, bringing a new life into this world. Like I have stated, I really haven't talked too much about this to anyone, really. But let me tell you, the grief is real. I wanted more children. I'll forever miss the feeling of kicks and flutters. 

I know it will get better over time. I'm living for each moment, for each precious second that I get with Syrus. All too soon, he is going to be a man. He turns ten this year, and I truly can't believe where that time went. But he is the gift that I was given and I will treasure every moment with him. If there is anything that this year has taught me is that we never know what tomorrow holds. I must be content with what today presents me with, and press on. 

Please don't mistake my grief for the children I will never carry for ungratefulness for the incredible son that I do have. I love him more than life itself and I would lay down my life for that child in an instant. I know that some couples cannot even have one child, and I can't imagine that pain. My wish is that one day there is a cure for endometriosis so women don't have to bear this pain.

Life has brought me many changes over this past year. Some extremely emotional, and some incredibly amazing moments that I wouldn't change for the world. So, here is to better days ahead. Less grief, more happiness. I know that the road ahead will be paved with some incredible things. So, it is living for this moment that I am abiding by from now on.

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